blackburn bunch blog

interesting dream

2010-08-27T08:58:00.002-04:00

i generally have quite vivid dreams....but it's been awhile since i've had one i remembered so well and this one seemed worth sharing. any dream interpreters out there, feel free to share some insight....
most of the dream took place in some form of water. initially, i was at a lake with a lot of people. some i knew, but most i didn't know well. and the group of people i was with sort of gave me an uneasy feeling....like i didn't quite trust them. later we were all at a pool and i was trying to help save people; but there were these "eel ladies" and i don't know who they were, but they were trying to pull people under...trying to pull me under, and i was fighting them...and they weren't really eels, just ladies, but they were in all black, so i call them eel ladies. and there was a guy i was trying to help - maybe dustin, but i can't say for sure - and i would dive down deep in the water to try to free him from the eel ladies (who apparently could hold their breath for a super long time). anyhow, i came up out of the water to get a breath, and i got out of the pool with an eel lady right behind me. and i went to put my foot back in the pool to try to save the guy again, and the eel lady started yelling, "she's not clean! she's not clean! and she's trying to get in the pool!" so i was frantic now....i didn't know how to "get clean" to try to save him. so i was running alongside the pool trying to figure out how to "get clean". and then i noticed the unassuming "savior". he had been "there" all along in my dream, but i didn't really SEE him until that moment. he was a very overweight guy, with tattoos all over his chest and back. and he was gentle and caring. and a long line of people were coming to him....and as soon as they touched him, they were clean and their clothes turned to a bright white. so i clung to his back with my arms around his neck....he was huge, so it was like it didn't phase him at all. he welcomed me. and as i clung to him and watched all the children (there were tons of kids coming to him) and others coming to him, i began to reach out and help them come into the water too. and because i was touching him, when i touched others, it made them white. and there was an older black woman who i helped into the pool and she gave me a necklace for some reason. and later as i was helping a child into the water, she pointed at the necklace around my neck...it was the only thing of color on me now...and it was just a pink and purple plastic gem necklace - like what a kid would make - on a string of fishing line. and she asked me why it still had color. and i didn't know. so i looked to the savior guy for an answer and he said it was given to me by someone who wanted to kill me.....in the second movie of the series. (so apparently i was an actor in a movie or something? and there's gonna be a sequel, i guess.)

what an interesting dream.

living for something worth dying for

2010-08-08T13:42:00.002-04:00

today is a sad day for many people who are grieving the death of cheryl beckett. cheryl worked as a humanitarian in afghanistan and was among the group of aid workers who were killed on friday. cheryl was the daughter of charles & mary beckett, who minister at woodlawn christian church where dustin and i used to attend. it's so unreal to think that i have talked to a true martyr for Christ. cheryl indeed lived to serve others and to point people to Jesus.

although i did not know cheryl on a personal level, i cannot stop thinking about her and her sweet family. tears flow easily as i think about her horrific death and the obvious pain and suffering her family is going through right now. i am sure her family is so incredibly proud of her and the beautiful, selfless life of service that she lived.

i also cannot stop thinking that she at least was living for something worth dying for. and it makes me ask the question, "am i living for something worth dying for?" am i doing all that i can to serve others and to point them to Jesus every day? or am i more concerned about myself....more concerned with being safe and comfortable....more concerned with the "injustices" done to me rather than standing up for the injustice of poor and hungry people all around me? i don't think Jesus died on the cross so that i can live a safe, comfortable "american dream" sort of life while thousands of people around the world deal with real oppression and suffering. it makes me angry at myself for getting caught up in the ridiculous culture of america. i want to live for something worth dying for. i want to have a heart that yearns for true justice and shalom. i want to serve others out of love and compassion, not out of guilt or obligation. God, give me a heart like Yours. God, give me a vision for what You want me to do to fight injustice and serve those in need.

FREEDOM!!!!

2010-07-01T07:56:00.002-04:00

i had my appointment with dr. rappe' yesterday and i am thrilled to say that it could not have gone any better!! my x-rays looked really good....he showed them to us and you could only see a very faint line where the graft is. so it has healed perfectly (praise to God!) and i finally get to drive again and start adding weight to it!! it will be a 3-4 week process of gradually getting off the crutches. while i wish i could burn my crutches right now, i know i couldn't walk b/c my leg is too weak....but i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. although a "destroy my crutches" party sounds like a good idea....maybe i'll get to planning that.

it's been 8 weeks today since my surgery....like life, it seems like it's been forever ago and yesterday all at the same time. overall, the process has been easier than i expected. but i'm so ready to be able to hold my precious girls and carry them again; serve my dear hubby instead of him serving me constantly; do laundry, carry a drink or plate, go grocery shopping w/o the battery operated cart that always dies in the middle of the trip; and eventually.....run, jump on the trampoline with my girls, go camping, play volleyball.....oh, i can't wait!! it's still gonna be a process, but i feel ready to tackle it all and i'm just excited about life.

thank you God for your grace and for the lessons i'm learning through this process.

making progress!!

2010-06-14T19:38:00.002-04:00

i had a great therapy session today in the pool. i really felt like i made a lot of progress, so i'm pumped. i have been working with an atc from dustin's work, cherie, who really pushes me and challenges me.....i LOVE that. she really loosened my kneecap up last wednesday - it hurt like crazy, but it was worth it. today she worked it again, but it didn't take as much prying. :) and my little VMO (i don't really know what that stands for, but it's the quad muscle on the inside of your leg, right above the kneecap) started firing today like it should. and i could really tell a difference. when it worked, my kneecap wouldn't do the "catching" thing. and it hardly got "caught" at all today! FINALLY, my muscles are starting to wake up!! praise God! my poor little leg is absolutely pitiful.....i can touch my fingers when i put them around my quad. it's so sickening. i don't know if it will ever be the same size as my left leg - if it ever does get there, it will be a LONG time! but i feel encouraged over all. only 2 weeks from thursday til i can start (hopefully) bearing some weight. i'm SO looking forward to that!

underwater treadmill!

2010-06-09T07:24:00.004-04:00

well it's nice to be a girl who has cool friends who have cool jobs. one of my friends from growing up, carrie and her husband robb, are athletic trainers at the university of tennessee. carrie said i could come in to use their facilities, including an underwater treadmill. so i went in yesterday and it was awesome. they had me warm up my knee in the hot tub first and then i walked for about 15 minutes or so on the underwater treadmill. my knee didn't do the "catching" thing it had been doing....i think the warming up helped. and as i'm walking, robb says that dr. mathien is there - and then a few minutes later dr. mathien comes out and talks with me about my progress and i get to ask him questions and he can evaluate my gait (the treadmill has glass walls for watching stuff like that).....how cool is that??? i LOVE dr. mathien - he's so real and down to earth. and after walking, i go out to ice and dr. mathien comes by and asks when my next appointment is supposed to be - i told him friday, and he says "well why don't i just evaluate you here and save you a trip?" what?! so awesome!! so he checks my knee out and tells me that he'll make a notation of our "appointment" and i can call to reschedule friday's visit for 2 weeks later. here's the scoop on my progress: dr. mathien seemed pleased with my range of motion and the lack of swelling; he said my gait looked good as well; and he said the "catching" is normal and nothing to worry about - he said that i probably have some adhesions and i just need to work on patella mobs and scar mobs to get it lose; i asked him if i would be able to gradually add weight before 8 weeks, or if it would be after 8 weeks......and he said, "let's talk about the SIZE of your defect - this wasn't a little suzie Q defect, this was a BIG BERTHA defect - and we need to make sure to give it time to really graft in so that it doesn't collapse." my translation: you're crazy if you think you're adding weight before 8 weeks. and actually, he said initially they probably should have said 12 weeks NWB. ugh. but he said we'll x-ray it again in 2 weeks and see how it looks - he said it should look as close to normal as possible. if that looks good and i continue to improve my strength and ROM, then i MIGHT be able to start adding gradual weight with crutches at 8 weeks. so............i'm a little disappointed with that news. i'm completely sick of crutches and being helpless. although i have figured out how to do more with crutches and i'm able to do more around the house and what-not...it just takes about 10X longer. i'm just ready to be on two feet again - but i understand the importance of staying off of it and will just have to suck it up. surely, by august i'll be totally crutch free. :) and until then, i will absolutely be using the facilities at UT again.

almost half way!

2010-06-01T11:56:00.004-04:00

here's my knee...the scar looks pretty good. and i don't have any steri strips on any more.

the girls loving on each other at the campsite. precious.

playing with bubbles.

molly on her scooter....she flies on that thing!

adie....cheesin' it up!

well, we are almost half way through my 8 week non-weight bearing time! only 4 weeks, 2 days left until i can walk on two feet again (hopefully). really, the first half has gone by pretty quickly - i'm so thankful for that. i'm hoping the next 4 weeks go even faster.

i forgot, in my last update, to mention how great it was to have my father-in-law come down to help out for about 10 days. he was a super huge blessing to us all......he drove us places, helped with the girls, did odd jobs around the house and even learned how to do laundry! :) thanks so much, pappaw!! we love you!

i had my first therapy session in the pool today with my awesome therapist, julie. it felt really good to walk (the doc said as long as the water was up to my shoulders, i could walk) and to just feel normal again in the water. i'm having some issues with my knee "catching" sometimes when i bend it. julie thinks that since the surface of my joint is not completely smooth where my plugs are (although, she said, it's as smooth as they could get it- she watched my surgery-.....but even a millimeter difference is huge) and that the lateral side isn't quite "unlocking" like it should when i go from straight to bent. she thinks that, in time, as i continue to get stronger and add weight to it, that it will hopefully smooth out. so please pray that is, in deed, the case! after my pool session, julie measured me....i got to 0 degrees extension (with a little help); and 122 degrees flexion. last measurement was 4/118, so i was happy with that improvement. i'm already looking forward to my next pool session.

dustin continues to amaze me. i love him so much and i could not imagine my life without him. he is endlessly patient in his service to me and in his fathering of the girls. i look forward to being able to serve him more and better when i'm on two feet again!!!

on another note....our first camping trip was a success. it was a lot of fun - even though it would have been better without the crutches! the girls played and played, and it was just so fun to be together making memories. plus, we took jack along, and he is, without question, the BEST dog ever. love him. AND...molly has mastered riding her bike without training wheels. she's a better bike rider than i am....those of you who know me, know that i'm not a strong bike rider! but, when i'm off these crutches and we go on another camping trip, i WILL ride again! :)

5/23 update

2010-05-23T22:08:00.002-04:00

sunday is my day to update, so here we go....

it's really doing well, i think. i had my 2 week follow-up appointment on friday. dr. mathien and dr. rappe' seemed to think that things looked perfect. they took x-rays and took my old dressing/steri strips off and took the sutures out. dr. rappe' reminded me that this recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. i'm much better at sprinting. i do enjoy seeing progress in my daily exercises that dustin has me doing. i can now do a straight leg raise without too much pain. that makes me happy b/c initially, i couldn't even raise my leg at all! and my extensions are coming along too. slowly but surely. i start "for real" physical therapy this week. and we are heading out for our first official camping trip in our camper this weekend with swartz and betsy. we're excited about that. and although i still have 5 weeks, 4 days left on crutches, i'm still looking forward to getting away with my precious family. how i love them.

5/16 update

2010-05-16T19:34:00.002-04:00

it's sunday evening and i figured i'd update on my progress since last sunday. so far so good. my recovery has been easier than i anticipated.....guess i had prepared myself for the very worst, and it hasn't been that bad. i stopped taking pain meds (for the most part) on thursday. every now and again it gets a little achy before bed so i end up taking something in order to sleep. i am trying to be on the "machine" (as i call it...actually, the CPM) for a few hours a day. it feels good to get my knee bending/straightening - especially if i haven't moved it too much. there really is little pain.....unless i really try to push it and bend it farther or straighten it farther. but, still, it's really not that painful. achy is more the word i would use to describe it, i think. and my ankle stays slightly swollen. so it's overall just uncomfortable, but not painful.

only 6 weeks, 4 days until i'm off crutches. i'm definitely already on the count-down. it's pretty hard having everyone else do things for me......simple things like getting a drink (that's next to impossible on crutches!) or a tissue or whatever. molly has either been completely wonderful or completely over it! she told me i hadn't been much fun since i'd been on crutches. :)! i don't feel like i'm much fun either. i keep telling her (and myself) that it will be worth it in the long run!! adie has quickly become a daddy's girl! she's just a "go with the flow" girl, so it hasn't phased her too much.

i'd covet your prayers over the next 6 weeks and 4 days!! i want to continually rest in Christ - let Him be my strength and my joy. and somehow share that with those around me, even though i can't do much of anything else!

more pics

2010-05-09T17:31:00.002-04:00

this is pretty much what i look like at all times these days.....completely tired, greasy and generally disgusting! :)
removing the dressing at the hospital since it had seeped through every layer!

and there it is!! the beastly one! :)

surgery!

2010-05-09T16:55:00.004-04:00

well, it's day 3 after surgery.....here's a recap since thursday:

*went in for surgery at saint mary's north at 7:00am

*took me back at 8am to get IV going and all the prep work

*began surgery at 9:30

*finished surgery at 12:00

everything went perfectly with the surgery. because of the location and shape of my defect, they had to do two plugs of bone instead of one big one. kind of like a snowman. this helped them shape it better to the contour of my bone. and they ended up nailing them in. i was admitted for a 23 hour stay, which i was happy about. saint mary's north is brand new and super nice. i got suite 3030 which someone said was peyton manning's suite. super nice and HUGE! and other than the nurses kind of being ding-dongs, the stay was really nice. and as long as they kept the demoral shots coming, i stayed pretty pain free and happy. they brought in a CPM unit (continuous passive motion) which i started on....it's a contraption that you put your leg in and it bends/straightens your leg for you. the doctor wanted me to get to 0 degrees extension and 90 degrees flexion. and i'm already doing better than that, so i'm happy!

my first evening home (friday) was pretty rough. i got a little behind on my medicine (oxycontin and percocet) since we had to get the Rx filled....and until i got caught up, i was brought to tears a few times. hurt like the dickens. my knee felt like it was just gonna rip apart; and a lot of my pain was actually from my hip flexor - i am continually trying to compensate for my knee by using my hip and it gets super tired and sore. but i can't help but use it! anyhow....by bedtime friday night most of my pain was under control, and i had an ok night of sleep. and each day continues to get better. i'm still staying consistent with the pain meds - have been trying to space them out a bit more today. but i figure for the first week i'd better use them!

today on the CPM, i was at -5 extension and 100 flexion. pretty pumped about that. plus i was able to stretch my hip out really good.....and that felt SO good. it's just so tense all the time! been trying to do quad sets (just tightening my quads) and working on a leg lift. still can't do that. dustin assures me it's normal.

the girls have done really well so far. molly's been a good little helper and adie hasn't jumped on me, so i'd say that's pretty incredible. they've been troopers. and dustin has been wonderful. and my mom is pretty awesome too. i've got lots of help and tons of food. it's nice to be surrounded by such helpful and loving people. i'll try to keep updating on my progress!

diary of a knee

2010-04-27T09:00:00.003-04:00

so i figured i'd use my blog to keep track of my progress with my knee. here's a recap:

-8 years old, knee pain/giving out

-high school - diagnosed with osteochondritis dissecans; told to stop playing sports if i wanted it to stop hurting; did not stop playing sports....it didn't hurt THAT bad

-college to present - continued playing sports and just dealing with a bum knee

-january 25, 2010 - flat out tripped running full speed playing intramural basketball, landed right on my right knee; took myself out of the game and iced when i got home

-february 5, 2010 - woke up with a hugely swollen knee and figured i must have done something to it

-2/5-2/12 - went to physical therapy to try to get rid of swelling and figure out what was wrong

-2/19 - appt. with dr. winn at MOC; ordered MRI

-2/24 - MRI

-3/2 - appt. with dr. winn to review MRI....told me he didn't feel confident dealing with my problem, referred me to dr. mathien/dr. rappe' (now getting concerned that it's not just something minor)

-3/5 - appt. with dr. rappe'; showed me my MRI and told me i would need to have an osteoarticular allograft done (see pics); took all hope of anything minor and threw it out the window

-3/11 - appt. with dr. mathien/dr. rappe' to ask any/all questions about the procedure; i took 2 pages of questions with me; dr. mathien took a lot of time to explain everything and made me feel very confident that i was in good hands; now just waiting for a donor bone; insurance already approved procedure

-4/21 - received a call from KOC, donor bone has been received; scheduled surgery for may 6

will update after surgery on my progress....was told initially that i will be 2 months non-weight bearing/full range of motion; crutches and toned arms, here i come.

15 years ago today....

2010-02-05T08:38:00.004-05:00

2/5/95 was the day i went on my very first date with dustin. 15 years ago. wow. he took me bowling....he had a broken right wrist....which was good for this competitive girl. and we went to wal-mart where he bought me fake flowers and sprayed them with vanilla air freshener. i think we also went to weigel's and got some cappuccinos.

that was the beginning of our story. and now, 15 years, 2 beautiful girls, and a great dog later, we are at 2/5/10. so much has happened in 15 years!! it seems like forever ago and yesterday all at the same time. i think about the words of the song my brother wrote for me for our wedding...."most of all i wish you change". honestly, i didn't really get what he meant at first. but now i think i do. when i married dustin, i thought i loved him. but as i think about how i love him now, i realize that i didn't have a clue then. with every year, with the birth of molly, the diagnosis of diabetes, the loss of baby #2, crossings, the birth of adelyn.....all of it has made me love and appreciate what a wonderful man dustin is. he is an incredible father - he loves our girls more than they will ever understand. he loves to be with us and always puts us first.....i love that he'd rather be with us than anywhere else in the world. he continues to grow in his love for Jesus - and he helps me to grow by challenging my thinking and helping me to be more generous and less self-focused. i love that he is handy and that he is such a hard worker. i love that he is a good friend to others. i love that he can always make me laugh. i love that he is my voice of reason when my emotions can get the best of me....he can always bring me back to reality. i love that he is supportive of me. i love that i love him so much - and i can't wait to see what i think in another 15 years! i hope i think i was as clueless now as i think i was 15 years ago. i hope i see a lot of change and growth in our love. i'm sure i will. dustin, i love you and i always will!!!!

our date with molly

2009-09-09T07:40:00.003-04:00

yesterday dustin and i took molly out on a date. my mama watched adie for us so we could take molly to a movie and out to dinner. we all had so much fun. we saw the movie "shorts" - and it was really good, plus, apparently tuesdays at the theater are $1 day for popcorn and drinks. sweet deal. we were the only people in the entire theater...i mean the whole place, not just our movie. looks like nobody knows about that $1 deal....well now you know.

then we took her out to olive garden for supper since she could probably live on spaghetti. it was just so much fun to focus our attention solely on her. but we did talk about how we all missed adie joy. we talked about the movie (its all about a wishing rock) and we asked her what she'd wish for. she said, and i kid you not, "i would wish to grow up faster so i can see Jesus." oh, that girl. :)

the start to kindergarten has been anything but smooth for our sweet girl who hates change. the very first day (when all the class was present....a week ago monday) the school secretary called me b/c molly was sobbing in her office - saying her stomach hurt. good grief. it was only 9:30, and when she left home, she was fine. so i went to the school to talk to her. so we talked for about 10 minutes and she finally admitted that she got too hot (the AC in her class room is really messed up and it gets to about 80 before the unit kicks on), and then she got overwhelmed with all the kids being there, and then she remembered that she wasn't going to see me that evening b/c i had an away volleyball game.....put it all together, and what do you get? a molly so worked up and crying that her stomach hurts. and that was day one.

since that day, every morning is a battle of some kind - and generally, every morning she declares that she does not want to go to school. add to that that she has been having nightmares at night and waking up 2-3 times each night, and it makes for horribly grumpy mornings and a frazzled, frustrated mother. i read some about the nightmares, and it is normal for kids who are anxious about kindergarten.....it doesn't make sense to her to be scared about school, so subconsciously she has nightmares which are OK to be scared of, thus justifying her fear. (i feel like i just sounded way smarter than i really am) so each morning there is some drama to deal with - whether it be a seam in a sock, shorts that "feel weird" or hair that doesn't look right....any and all of it sent her into a crying fit-throwing break-down. UNTIL today.

oh, praise Jesus. today was the best day yet. she has had 2 full nights of sleep in a row. (she told us yesterday that she wasn't scared anymore from the nightmares b/c "it's silly to be scared about monsters; monsters aren't even real; and even if they were real, Jesus would take care of me!" and then she said, "i have to admit, i had to tell myself that a few times before i really believed it." :) precious child.) and there was absolutely NO drama at all this morning. she got ready like a big girl and headed off to school like it was no big deal. hopefully we're starting a new trend! even though she is high-maintenance most times, and generally takes every ounce of patience that i can muster, i am so proud of her and excited to see the woman she will become. she has such a tender heart, and a pure love of God....it's beautiful. and, to me, she's worth all the drama. :)

my BABY is growing up too!!

2009-08-27T07:55:00.002-04:00

adelyn had her first day of "pre-school" yesterday. it's actually just a mother's day out program, but we called it "school". she did absolutely fantastic. no tears at all, peed on the potty while she was there, and i was told, "she is very smart and a great listener!" i'm so proud of her. it was harder yesterday for me than it was taking molly to kindergarten. i didn't cry, but just kind of felt sad that my BABY is growing up too! sigh.

i just love my girls so much. it blows my mind how much. i can't describe it. they mean the world to me. yesterday i did cry later b/c i was watching the news and there was a sentencing trial going on for a man who helped take the lives of a local young couple...channon christian and chris newsome. it was heart-wrenching to watch as channon's parents took the stand to make their statement before the sentencing. she was only 21, and she sounded like such a beautiful, caring person....the kind of girl i would hope my girls turn in to.... and her parents won't ever get to see her get married or have her own children. i couldn't help but think of my own sweet girls....so the tears came easily. for them, and selfishly for me...if i were ever to be in their shoes... i can't imagine their pain. how in the world would you move on and forgive? only through Christ. and i can't imagine the pain that Christ must feel - for all people involved. the pain in this world was never meant to be. i think Jesus cries when we cry, and hurts when we hurt. well....didn't mean to go off on a little tangent there. guess that's just what i'm thinking about this morning.

somebody stop time, please!!!

2009-08-22T15:15:00.002-04:00

oh my goodness. molly had her first day of kindergarten yesterday. she LOVED it. dustin and i dropped her off together....we both held it together - but dad got a little teary. it's just crazy that she is in school now. i mean, before you know it she'll be getting her driver's license and heading to college! of course, there's so much fun to look forward to with every stage of life...but sometimes don't you just want to keep them little forever? sigh.

and my big adelyn joy is peeing on the potty!! she's really been getting it down the last 2 days...only 1 accident so far today. we got dum-dum suckers as a potty reward, and every time she's done peeing, she promptly says, "sucker?". she had 3 before noon today. :) still haven't mastered pooping yet. which i just really don't get. so many kids seem to have issues with pooping on the potty - i mean, really? you really would rather have that squished into a pull-up? whatevs. we'll get there soon enough. i'm just glad she's at least getting the peeing down.

on a completely different note...

volleyball training/conditioning week is over. i feel pretty good about my team. hoping for a great year. i was really happy to sleep in til 8:00 today! i was pretty worn out! my life's about to get crazy hectic....and, oh yeah, dustin and i are coaching basketball this year. yep, that means practice in the gym from august to march. yikes. but we're looking forward to it. that's all for now!

artist & athlete

2009-06-10T11:17:00.002-04:00

welp.....dustin & i decided today that we have an artist & an athlete on our hands. can you guess which of our girls is which?

we went to the doctor today for adelyn's 2 yr well check-up. yes, we're a little late (she is 2 yrs, 4 months) - but hey, we're blackburn's. all went well....and we found out she is in the 75th percentile for height!! who knew? we've heard that you can double your child's height at age 2, and that is about how tall they will be as an adult. which means molly will be about 5'2", and adie will be about 5'10"!!! what?!?! i must admit, when dustin and i figured the math on adie's height, and looked at each other.....we both kind of got excited. she is really tough, really even-keeled about most everything, and easy to teach.....or coach. :) and if she really is gonna be 5'10", we may just have an all-star setter on our hands!! (i can't help automatically thinking about volleyball.) we measured adie on our measuring wall for molly, and she is currently as tall as molly was on her 3rd birthday. cool.

and then we decided we should probably just go ahead and encourage molly in her artistic/creative abilities. she's too dramatic for sports (although i think she'd be a really good athlete), and she's just so good at singing, drawing and imagining!! so that's really cool too.

i'm so very proud of my girls. they both bring so much joy to my world - i have no idea what i would do without them. i'm loving spending time with them this summer...which makes me super thankful for my job. thank you Jesus for my precious children!!

time is fleeting

2009-04-09T08:23:00.002-04:00

"you have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. each man's life is but a breath." -psalm 39:5

for the last couple weeks, i have been struck by the weight of this passage....realizing it in my own life. seriously, where has time gone? on tuesday i took molly to kindergarten round-up at gap creek elementary school - what the heck? since when do i have a child entering school? really?! (she loved every minute of it, by the way. she is totally pumped about starting and she "can't wait to eat in the cafeteria".) i just can't believe it. i can't believe that molly is 5 1/2 when i can so clearly remember the day of her birth like it was yesterday. dustin and i talked about all of this this morning...(he even got teary...shhhhh) and it is just so unreal. and i don't want to waste my life. i want to serve and love Jesus in the way i live, and it seems that i've just kind of "gotten by" for the last 5 1/2 years without TRULY asking how God wants me to serve Him. i mean, sure, i've tried to raise my kids to know and love Him, and i've tried to do my job with integrity and have tried to point people to God......but i don't know that i have truly sought out His will for my life every single day - and now 2,007ish days later it hits me. life IS fleeting. and i want to make the most of it. Jesus help me!

how do you do it?

2009-04-03T10:19:00.002-04:00

my life seems crazy busy. lately i have felt like there's not enough time in the day to get everything done that needs to be done. so generally, i feel lousy because i'm not doing GREAT at much of anything......there is always a pile of laundry to be washed or put away; that one year bible thing? yeah, always reading extra to catch up; bathrooms clean? no, not really; dog fed? sometimes....i usually DO remember, but sometimes i'm a little late; on time anywhere? nope. i'm officially a blackburn (and being late is my #1 pet peave....sigh); exercising? wait a minute - what is that?

how do you do it? how do you keep up with all that motherhood and a full-time job require and feel like you're doing it all WELL? things are always being neglected - like blogging...defintiely not a top priority, obviously, cleaning the bathrooms, quite time with Jesus, quality time with Dustin, the never-ending laundry......it could just go on and on!!! and, of course, i wouldn't trade my children for anything in the world - but this motherhood thing definitely ain't for sissies. i guess the responsibility of it all just gets overwhelming at times - and i want to do the best that i can....but sometimes my best isn't very good, and i hate that. your advise? how do you do it?

my one year bible

2009-02-19T13:52:00.002-05:00

i am really enjoying my new one year bible. i got it a week ago or so and it has been so good for me. i have been struggling to stay in the word for quite some time really - and each time i would sit down to read, i felt like i was floundering to find what to read. so i would be frustrated and feel ridiculous (i DID graduate from a bible college, for heaven's sake) and generally put it away without reading much of anything.

so anyhow....a few weeks ago it seemed i kept reading things or hearing others mention a one year bible, so i thought, "hey, doesn't sound like a bad idea...and maybe this would help me get back into really loving my time with the Lord". so i start in the middle of february and the bulk of what i read is from leviticus in the old testament.....not typically what i would call "fun" reading by any stretch of the imagination. but God is meeting me in these times of reading through leviticus.

the other day i read of bezalel (i think that was his name) and how God had given him special artistic talents and he was the guy God used to make all the intricate details of the tabernacle. there was all this fabric with detailed embroidery and golden and wooden stuff. anyhow.....the israelite community supplied bezalel with everything he needed to do what God had called him to do. and it emphasized this (or this is what was emphasized to me when i read)....that the community continued to give and give and give until finally bezalel had to tell them to stop giving! so that made me think....what if our faith communities (or churches) were like that? what if we were to give and give and give??? how would God use that to help bring shalom to our communities?

and then i read today about moses purifying aaron and his sons to be the priests in order for them to be able to present sacrifices on behalf of the israelites. wow....it was quite a process! i mean lots of specific instructions on wear to put blood, how to put it, what to burn and where to burn it.....i mean SO much stuff. all so the unholy priests could be made holy in order to be able to make things right between the unholy israelites and our very holy God.

i'm not for sure what to think about all of this.... on one hand - i sure am glad that none of this sacrificing stuff has to happen any more. that i don't have to bring a dove or goat or anything to give to a priest in order to make things right between me and God. and it makes me so thankful for what Jesus has done in order for me NOT to have to do all of that. but then on the other hand....b/c i have not had to go through all of the sacrificing stuff that the israelites had to - i don't know that i appreciate truly the gift of Jesus' sacrifice. not sure if this is making sense..... but all of it to say i am so thankful for what Jesus has done for me - but i know i'm not thankful enough.

teary eyed

2009-01-20T15:27:00.003-05:00

i have watched a decent amount of the inauguration today of president obama. and for some reason, i keep tearing up!! i hate politics mostly, and really don't pay much attention to a lot of it.....i couldn't tell you where politicians stand on certain issues or anything. but there is something momentous about this day that just keeps getting me all teary. when i think about the suffering that so many black people have gone through in this country because of stupid, racist white people it gets me so mad and upset.....but then to know that our country now has a black president is just incredible. i have enjoyed hearing the news people talk of martin luther king jr and his "dream" and vision for what this country could be......and seeing a little bit of that dream realized today was just historical. i know that we have a long way to go to get rid of all racism in this country, but to know that enough people of all races voted for president obama is just really cool, i think.

common meal

2009-01-16T15:02:00.004-05:00

last sunday our church (crossings...love it) moved to market square for worship and we started having 2 services. dustin and i decided that molly is getting old enough now that she could sit in "big church" for one service and start learning from mark's teachings. she did very well throughout the service (we asked her afterwards what mark taught about and she replied, "mostly about jacob." she was dead-on). beforehand, dustin and i had talked about communion....would we let molly take it? we both grew up in christian churches where the "norm" is that you ONLY take communion if you are "a baptized believer and member of the church". heaven forbid you be anything else. well, there's nothing biblical about that, so dustin and i decided that, yes, we would allow molly to take communion if she wanted. we had talked before about what communion represents, and thought molly pretty much understood. and at crossings, all people are invited to take common meal and meet Jesus to commune with Him. so, when it was time for common meal, i helped molly get her cracker and juice and then bowed my head for my own time with Christ. i looked up a bit later and molly's face was streaming with tears. i said, "baby what's wrong?" and she said, "i was thinking about Jesus on the cross....and it's just so sad." wow. i had to hold back my own tears to talk it through with her....we talked about how it WAS so sad - but that Jesus had to die to save us....and that He rose again. (woo-hoo!!) sure, she may not really understand the depth of Jesus' sacrifice yet (do any of us, really?) - but she gets it. and she believes in Jesus. and we are so happy to be a part of a faith community that allows us to make decisions like that - decisions, that ultimately, we think, will help our girls genuinely love Jesus and hopefully help them grow into a love-relationship with their Savior.....all without somebody checking the "baptized" and "membership" lists. thank you, Lord!!!!

for you, kristin

2008-12-28T19:41:00.002-05:00

we are headed north today to visit dustin's folks. so far, so good as far as the traveling goes. molly was a bit dramatic as we left jack today (our friends wes & melanie are house/dog sitting for us), and adie has done ok. she's still not the best traveler. they had lots of fun at a huge mcdonald's playplace though, and now we're on the homestretch.

christmas was a blast this year. molly really enjoyed it....adie still didn't really get it yet. i enjoy giving gifts to my kids, as i would assume any parent does. it's especially gratifying when they are appreciative of what they've been given. molly was so sweet after opening presents.... i was cleaning up and she came to me and gave me a great big hug and said, "mommy, thank you so much for all my presents." and then she tried to give me one of her dollars from her allowance jar. and said, "i just want to give you this b/c you got me so much stuff." (we really didn't even get her THAT much!) how sweet. she really IS such a sweet little thing. so tender-hearted. i love that about her.

i love giving gifts at christmastime.....we give out of love and appreciation of receiving the greatest gift of all in Jesus. our Savior, our Redeemer. a sweet baby King. God in the flesh. our Hero. the One who makes it possible to have a relationship with God. i love christmastime b/c i love celebrating the awe and mystery of God coming down to be with us. how incredible is that? the Creator and Sustainer of the universe wanted to make a way for us to know Him personally. for ME to know Him personally. when i think of that, i think of how often i have disappointed Him.....how often He has waited for me to talk to Him in prayer, or know Him more through Scripture, or make the most of opportunities He has given me to share His love with someone.....and i fail Him. but i know His grace is enough for me....but i also don't want to take His precious grace for granted. i want to grow and change and become ever-more like Christ......when will my desire overcome my weak flesh? when? it seems to be this way all the time. i want it to change....Jesus change me. i pray that we can all remember the awe and mystery of the christmas season throughout the year. merry christmas to you all!

8 magnets

2008-11-24T16:05:00.003-05:00

i am in the middle of a battle with adie. all about 8 magnets. 8 magnets. earlier today adie decided to take the letter magnets off the fridge and put them on the floor....and i told her then that it was fine, but that she would be putting them back on the fridge when she was done. to which she said (after a reminding), "yes, ma'am". we are now 30 minutes into the battle.....and i will win. i keep sitting her in time out for one minute and then going to her after the minute is up and asking her if she wants to sit in time out some more, or put the magnets back on the fridge which, for some reason, she is not choosing, so she's in time-out again.....here we go....

YES!!! the battle has been won!!! after approximately 38 minutes of battle, mom has won! woo-hoo!!! magnets are back to their proper place on the fridge, adie is happily eating a sucker and has forgotten the 38 minute battle, and mom is feeling accomplished and proud of herself for not giving in. yay me.

quote of the day....(drumroll please)...

2008-11-18T12:19:00.005-05:00

this morning may have been the longest morning ever. for some reason, everything took about three times longer than normal. add to that having to get a shower and letting molly play in the teensy-weensiest amount of snow you've ever seen....and...well, i guess that's probably why it was the longest morning ever. well, molly came in from the "snow" (seriously, just a light...if you can even call it that....dusting) and she was crying and all dramatic b/c her hands were freezing cold.....(i know i don't sound sensitive in the least....but i was frustrated b/c it was the longest morning ever and i couldn't get ready, and molly wanted hot chocolate!)....and somehow, in the midst of tears, she says....

"mama, i loved buckeye as much as i love Jesus!"

long, silent pause.....

what in the world? buckeye was a stray dog that showed up at our house, that we ended up feeding and letting sleep outside for about 3-4 weeks. (molly played with him some, but really not all that much) we took him to the vet to get his shots and we were going to keep him but he had adult heart worms that would take about $500 to fix. so we had to take him to a shelter....we just weren't (and couldn't) gonna spend that much money on a stray. he was a sweet dog, but we just couldn't keep him.

molly cries about buckeye once every few weeks, which seems crazy to me. i guess i'm not as much of an animal lover as she is, but sheesh. come on! even my mom (who cried as a child because she squished a cricket) thinks it's a bit nuts. i mean....it's great and all that she has such a sweet, tender heart....but seriously, she's gonna have issues if she can't move on from this and remember buckeye fondly, but be happy she has a new dog (that she LOVES probably more than Jesus at this point!), and GET OVER IT!!! good grief.

........so i say, "i know you loved buckeye, babe. do you want me to get you some hot tea?"

i don't know what to do about it....so i just acknowledge her and try to change the subject. sigh. high-maintenance people wear me out....and i'm bound and determined that the blackburn girls will NOT be high-maintenance! it was a good quote though....

miracle?

2008-11-13T13:20:00.002-05:00

adelyn joy has been listening and obeying quite well the last two days. it has been so nice. if she doesn't listen the first time, then i ask her if she needs to sit in time-out (or if she needs a spanking) and she'll say, "no" and then come to me or do whatever it was i asked her to do. and the other day, just randomly, she came to me and said, "mommy....listen and obey" letting me know that she had been doing a good job. so i praised her and loved on her and told her she was doing a good job.

even though she wears me out at times, her name fits her so well....she is a true joy. she is so funny and makes these faces that just crack us up. i'm quite blessed to have such wonderful, beautiful girls. thank you, Jesus.

quick update on us

2008-11-11T18:35:00.002-05:00

so it's been awhile since i've posted, so i thought i'd give a quick update on us:

molly is still completely in to spiderman, batman, ben ten alien force and any other boy-like tv show. she regularly pretends to be ben or peter parker....which means, by default, i must be grandpa, mom or mj (that's mary-jane for those of you who don't know who peter parker loves). she generally talks constantly, especially when we are in the car. she is doing very well in pre-school. she had her program a week or so ago and was a super-star. no tears or drama, which was great. she did a good job and she's a very good singer. and lately she says that she plans to be a singer so she could have songs that play on the radio. and sometimes she makes up songs and they, without question, always make me smile......she ALWAYS sings about God and how He loves us, and never quits loving us...and how Jesus died to save us. so simple, but brings tears to my eyes. i love that she sings that - and i love that it's completely true. i love her.

adie.....is a complete terror. she likes being in trouble and she thinks it's funny when i'm stern with her. i'm not sure what i'll do with her. she may possibly live in time-out or have a forever red bottom from being spanked all day long. she normally wears me out most days. she is very cute though, and i'm quite certain this girl will never ever have self-image issues. she likes scaring jack (our dog, for those of you who may not know....like anyone reads this!) and gets in trouble for that at least 3 times a day. she'll find the broom or a push-toy and run at him with it and then laugh hysterically. again, i'm not sure what i'm going to do with her. i haven't figured out what discipline tactic works best....any suggestions would for sure be welcomed. she is very funny as well.....she just now said, "shake your booty" for no real reason at all. a funny story that may be too much information: i got out of the shower the other day and was walking to get my undies on and she says, "mommy booty shakin". great. like i need her to tell me my booty shakes when i walk. grrrrr. and now anytime i am changing clothes and she catches me, she likes to remind me...."mommy booty shakin". yay.

dustin......is the best ever. he is so funny and he loves me so very much and it makes me feel so good to know that. i know that i'm important to him and that the girls are important to him. i love him and i will forever.

me....well, the biggest thing with me is that volleyball is over, so i'm feeling much less overwhelmed with my job and it's SO very nice to have nights and weekends free. my volleyball girls were 4th in the region, but won the "team christian character award" which i was very proud of. i really am enjoying my job as AD at jbc.....i'm getting used to all my responsibilities and i know that it will just get easier with time. i'm really looking forward to the holidays. thanksgiving at our house again this year, which i always love. can't wait to see everyone. and then christmas will probably be a blast. i already got molly a ben ten alien force watch thing....she'll go nuts. so fun.

well.....i need to get the girls in the tub. i'll try to post more regularly for those of you who care.

~nyssa

it's official...

2008-08-16T12:46:00.003-04:00

we are soccer parents. i am a soccer mom. molly started AYSO soccer today and it was so much fun. she has all the gear....cleats, shin guards, socks, and ball. and she, of course, looked cute as a bug. she is really, really fast - but really needs to learn to run with purpose rather than just running. because she'd run really fast straight out of bounds. or she'd run really fast with her head down and run into someone else. and she rarely paid attention to where the ball was. but....she's fast. eventually she'll learn the other stuff. :) she'll probably learn from her incredible coach....her daddy. yep, dustin signed himself up to be a coach. he's crazy. but he'll do a great job hollering at 4 and 5 year olds and helping them to have lots of fun. i'm glad he's doing it. we are both excited about it. it will be a great chance for molly to learn a sport (which we are really pumped about) and also a great opportunity for us to meet new people and maybe impact some lives for Jesus. yay for soccer.

thankful

2008-08-02T15:01:00.004-04:00

i'm so thankful today. i love my precious family. and i love the bruno's - who are here visiting from italy....they get to stay with us until 9/11. i love that i have a house that can accommodate all of us comfortably. i love that molly & anyssa are getting along so well. i love that gianni has been making some killer italian meals that we get to enjoy. and that he has been so willing to watch the girls for us if we need it. aunt stefania and uncle gianni are amazing people.....they love Jesus. they are so sincere and beautiful. i love them. it's a joy and pleasure to have them here with us. here are some pics of our kids together.

parenting 101

2008-07-17T14:51:00.002-04:00

here we go again.....

molly is a great kid. i feel like, for the most part, our parenting with her is mostly done. now, don't get me wrong - i know there will always be parenting and teaching times with her - but she knows the rules and consequences for things and she (generally) listens and obeys very well.

it has just begun with adelyn. in the last week i have just noticed her testing me on things - to see what i'll do when she pushes the limits. she's a rascal. and she's so friggin' cute it's almost hard to get on to her! she'll just look at me with this "i know you think i'm cute anyhow" look and it both drives me crazy and makes me want to squeeze her and love on her at the same time. but she has GOT to learn what "no" means and learn to obey.....no matter how cute she is.

today we went to target and then walked on down to old navy. she kept saying "walk" - so i told her that she could walk, but that she would have to hold my hand. she started off good - but once we were in old navy, she was off like a rocket. just running through the store. and she is somehow VERY fast. well, i finally catch up to her and pick her up and she just starts kicking and hollering, "walk! walk!". we did walk...right out of the store. didn't even get to look at anything. once we were outside again, i gave her three more chances to walk and hold my hand....and every time, she disobeyed. so i finally just picked her up and carried her to the car. she's determined. but i will win these battles! i must!

later we ate with my friend jen and her kids - aedan (4) and silas (18 mo). adie got mad about something and head-butted silas right in the chest. and i swear i think she was going to try to bite him! not the biting already - for crying out loud, she only has 4 teeth!!! sheesh.

so this is the time, i think, when our parenting has got to be hard-core. always tough, always consistent. it takes a lot of determination....like two years of determination. but i know it will pay off in the long run. so here we go....wish us luck. :)

huh...

2008-07-15T11:37:00.002-04:00

this blog will, in no way, be mesmerizing or enlightening.....just a little snipit from this morning that i thought was, well, i don't really know - just one of those, "huh" moments.

i sat adie on the counter while i was getting her breakfast ready and she grabbed my checker (technically, my blood glucose meter). she grabbed the thing that pricks my finger....held it to her finger tip, then looked at her finger (she had not actually pricked it, just held it there) and then licked her finger. this is what i do like 8 times a day.....she mimicked me completely (all the way to the finger licking) and i've never even known that she notices that i do that. huh. interesting. she's 17 months old and that perceptive. kids are like sponges. reminds me to be mindful of everything i'm doing and saying!!

speaking love

2008-07-11T10:04:00.002-04:00

the other day i was trying to talk to molly about some unkind words she had spoken to her sister.....after much drama and about 10 minutes of "time out", i was able to get through to her that in our house, we speak love.

well, later that day i was trying to get supper ready and adie kept trying to stand on my foot....and she stood in a way that really pulled the skin, you know - hurts pretty good. so i unkindly and with much frustration told her to get off and picked her up and put her back down on the floor....and not in a real gentle way.

well, of course, molly was right there and she politely and matter-of-factly reminded me, "mommy, we speak love in this house, remember? and that didn't sound very loving to me." sheesh. she really did listen. i love her so much, and i'm glad she keeps me on my toes. she's gonna be a neat girl.

might as well...

2008-07-10T19:22:00.001-04:00

hey everyone...

figured i might as well just start blogging like everyone else so you can keep up with our family - if you so desire! the summer is flying by....we just got back from a nice vacation to florida to visit steph & family as well as tim & jess. the girls did great on the trip. we're so glad we flew rather than trying to drive - adie is not the best car rider! molly is swimming like a fish. it's so fun to watch her.

so now we're back at home....dustin is back to work and i'm back to the norm for summer (laundry, housekeeping, playing with the girls, etc.....oh, and work occasionally :) ) it really is fun - but part of me really does miss the routine of the schoolyear...and i'm starting to get excited for volleyball season. i think i'll have about 15 or so girls trying out, so that's great. i'm always excited to meet the new girls and see what God will do through volleyball.

been thinking a lot lately about grace....and how i know i really don't understand it completely. and how the church has done a great job at teaching law & truth, but a really crappy job at teaching grace & love. so now we have a lot of unlearning to do. because i just don't think we can appreciate and accept fully the gift of Jesus' sacrifice if we don't understand grace. knowing the law & truth doesn't automatically draw us in to the heart knowledge of grace....but, i believe, knowing grace will lead to obeying and knowing law & truth. i think the church got it backwards....and now it's time to start teaching grace & love - and stop being fearful of what kind of doors that opens up to those who might be seeking God.

ok....didn't mean to go off on a tangent there. but that's probably what this blog will be about - my family and my thoughts....however random they may be!